When you’re dating or already in love with a guy, it can be hard to ask him for exactly what you want. Especially because even women who know how to communicate effectively under other circumstances worry they might make a man feel pressured. It would be great if he could read your mind, right? But it rarely works out that way.
You don’t want to pressure him, but at the same time, you want to make sure he knows how you feel and what’s important to you.
There’s definitely an art to using effective communication skills when speaking with men.
But knowing which things to talk about with your boyfriend or husband — and how will grow easier and more natural for you with time if you follow some simple tips and advice.
Here are my 3 best expert tips on using effective communication skills to ask a guy for exactly what you want without making him feel pressured.
1. Give him your problem
The first step to communicating what you want from a guy might sound counterintuitive, but instead of “asking for what you want”, what you should do is give him your problem to solve.
For example, let’s say you just met him and you really like him. He wants to have sex, but you know you won’t be ready until you get to know him better.
This is where naming the problem comes into play.
Simply say, “I really like you. I think you’re funny, charming, and I’m very attracted to you. I just don’t feel comfortable having sex until I get to know you better.”
Then, and this is the kicker, ask him this magic question: “What do you think?”
You’ve now successfully given him your problem, which leads you to the next step …
2. Never give him the solution
The key to this method is to pause after asking him, “What do you think?”
You may get uncomfortable and want to rush in to tell him what you want him to do and how you want him to do it. But by asking him what he thinks, you are tapping into his natural masculine problem-solving nature. It’s much more valuable to find out how he handles problems then it is for you to give him the “perfect” solution.
This is extremely important when it comes to finding out if this guy is a quality man who cares about how you feel.
Steps one and two are the foundation, which leads you to step three …
3. Make sure the solution is his idea
When you ask a guy for exactly what you want, he may be tempted to argue with you.
For example, in the scenario above, you may want him to say something like, “That’s perfect, because I want you to take me out on more dates and spend more time with me.”
This sounds perfectly reasonable. The problem is, for a man, it’s your idea, not his. So he may be tempted to argue with you, saying something like, “You don’t appreciate what I already do for you or how hard I’ve been working to get to know you.”
Suddenly, you’re arguing about things that have nothing to do with what you want.
It’s important to stay on point.
To make this easier, you should answer anything he says that doesn’t offer a direct solution to your problem by saying simply and calmly, “I understand.”
Once he has offered a solution that works for you, it will be his idea, and you will both be more satisfied with the outcome.
Start by expressing your appreciation for what he already does: “I really appreciate hanging out with you-you’re funny, you’re smart, and you’re charming.” Then, give him the problem: “However, I don’t feel comfortable only seeing you once a week. What do you think about us seeing each other more often?”
Next, you wait for him to come up with a solution. If he isn’t a problem-solving man, he may not be the right man for you.
And if he insists on blaming you for the problem, he is definitely the wrong man.
When he comes up with a solution that works for you, it’s now his idea.
And, with all the skills of a wise woman, you’ll have successfully asked for exactly what you wanted without him even knowing it. And even better, the answer will be his own idea.
By using these communication skills, asking him for exactly what you want not only becomes simple, but he’ll feel no pressure at all.
After all, it’s all his idea!