Getting into an argument once in a while is normal in any relationship. However, constant fighting and arguing isn’t good in any healthy relationship.
If you’re stuck in a loop of getting caught in arguments with your spouse that are threatening the stability of your relationship, then it’s time to reestablish relationship goals that will make your marriage argument proof.
Are you wondering how to stop fighting with your husband? Has the frequency and the intensity of your fighting grown over time? Do you want to stop fighting so that you can find your way back to each other?
Conflict. We all have it.
You get angry with your mother, your friends, your boss, and your kids. But it’s your husband, the man you chose to love and cherish for a lifetime, with whom you seem to get the angriest.
And this conflict, this anger, with your husband, can be very destructive and get in the way of living the life of your dreams.
Here are 5 ways you can stop arguing with your spouse and resolve conflict the healthy way:
1. Choose a good time to talk.
This is key.
If you talk to your husband when you’re angry you’ll say things you might not mean to say. Words said in the heat of the moment tend to cause a lot of pain and are not necessarily accurate.
Try to wait at least two hours after a disturbance before speaking up. This will give you the chance to calm down and speak more clearly.
If you can talk calmly about exactly what you’re upset about, then you’ll more likely be able to work it out and not let the quarrel escalate.
Also, don’t pick a known stressful time to talk, like during bedtime or just after work. Try to pick a time when you are both calm and can approach the conversation with good energy instead of bad.
Calm time can be hard to find, but when properly motivated, you can find it.
2. Don’t attack each other in anger.
This is very important and something that many of us do without thinking. And it gets you nowhere.
Let’s say that your husband always gets home from work late.
Instead of saying, “You’re always late. Why do you have to be such a jerk?” try saying, “It makes me sad when you’re home late. I work hard to get us all together for a family dinner, and I really miss you when you aren’t there.”
Look carefully at the difference here. If you use the first example, your husband will immediately get on the defensive and the conversation will be over before it begins.
In the second example, you’re sharing how you feel and no one can argue with how you feel — its the truth.
What is not the truth is that your husband is a jerk for coming home late.
3. Make sure you’re actively listening.
This is very hard to do and can feel very contrived, but it is a key part of listening and being heard.
It’s called a reflective response.
In the case of the example above, with the husband who didn’t come home in time for dinner, the perfect response for him to say would be: “I’m sorry that my being late for dinner made you so sad.”
With that statement, you know your husband understands what you’re trying to say and that might deflate the argument.
The worst thing that you can do is to yell back, not letting them speak or get their feelings out.
If you do that, the issue will come up again and never get resolved.
4. Try to remember that you’re both only human.
Everyone makes mistakes. More often than not, your troublesome actions are not a reflection of your feelings about someone, but the result of a variety of things (time, motivation, energy level, distractions) that all work together to create a situation that isn’t ideal.
For instance, a woman’s husband comes home on a Saturday without picking out the windows he promised he would pick out that day. She was furious and said something like, “If you loved me, you would have picked out the windows.”
However, the reality was that the husband’s mother called when he was on his way and he had to run over to help her.
Yes, it’s not ideal, but it’s the reason why he couldn’t do what she had asked. It had nothing to do with not loving her.
Next time you’re quick to react to something your husband does, take a moment a try to figure out why it happened. Perhaps you won’t need the two hours to decompress after all.
5. Be ready to say sorry — and to forgive.
This can be the hardest thing of all for people … to say they are sorry and to forgive perceived wrongs … but it’s one of the most important parts of any relationship.
Why don’t you want to say you’re sorry? Because it will convey weakness? Because you can’t let go of your anger? Because you’re embarrassed by your actions?
Whatever the reason, you need to learn how to do it. Next time you’re having a disagreement with your husband, try apologizing. See how quickly the anger deflates on both sides.
With the husband who came home late, he should start with, “I’m sorry that me being late made you sad.”
That’s apologizing not for the lateness, but the pain his wife suffered from it.
What shouldn’t be said is, “I’m sorry that me being late made you sad, but I couldn’t help it.”
In an apology, a “but” makes the apology completely ineffective. The “but” means you’re making an excuse. The reality is is that you caused pain, no matter the reason, and that needs to be acknowledged.
In the same vein, you need to forgive and not hold onto anger. Holding on to anger is one of the most destructive forces in any relationship.
If your partner apologizes for his or her actions, you need to find it in your heart to remember that they’re only human and they’ve taken responsibility for their actions. Life must move forward.
Learning how to stop fighting with your husband is a key part of keeping your marriage healthy.
Conflict and the resulting anger with anyone can be devastating — especially with a partner. Left unchecked, anger can take on a life of its own and destroy everything in its path.
Don’t let that happen to you.
And then, perhaps, you can settle down to a nice peaceful, conflict-free evening.
Sounds worth it, no?